I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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