im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
