Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
