There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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