Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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