woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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