so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
