My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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