it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
be right there i have to get my cape
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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