He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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