the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
