Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
