so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
