she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
