I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
