two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
