yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
