but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
