Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
