my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
