I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
