I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
honey bunches of taint.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
