That's intense
I didn't shave. On purpose
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
