Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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