FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
