You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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