"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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