im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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