I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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