The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
