i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
