He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
