I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
