She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
