I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
