my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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