Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
