Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You ruined the universe
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
