it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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