Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
