my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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