Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
