In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
