If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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