I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
