okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
time to smoke my breakfast
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
