I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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