Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
