My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
