whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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